First off I think the idea of making a New Year’s resolution is absurd. The declaration that we only wait till the beginning of a year to look at our lives, try to come up with 3-4 areas we could be doing better, make empty promises to ourselves, and tell our loved ones these promises in hopes they will adore us more lacks conviction. I dont need a holiday to bring to light my mistakes and errors and give myself a chance to redeem myself amoung my friends and family. They already know my faults and have decided (for better or worse) that they can live with them as long as I strive to be a decent person where they are concerned, or at least I hope they have. I make empty promises to my family and friends and myself time and time again.
The holiday season already comes to me with a duality of sadness and happiness. I always reflect not only on the happy times I have had throughout my life, but on all the mistakes I have made concerning people I love, including myself. I remember friends that I have forgotten, who wanted nothing more than a letter or note from me and a sharing of lives as we grew older. I should stop myself from telling people to keep in touch. This empty promise I make hurts during these darker months. The Chinese have a saying that more night equates to more dreams. Did they forget dreams include nightmares?
I convinced myself years ago to start having dreams again. I had some how stopped dreaming or at least remembering them. I remember telling myself to dream no matter the consequences. Years of night terrors and waking in a sweat have almost convinced me to ignore my dreams. Should I convince myself that the good dreams hurt also?
I hate having good dreams about old friends I have forgotten. I realize that my influence on most of the people I meet is minimum, but it is still hard to reflect on the people I have betrayed and abandoned.
Needless to say, I am having a hard time sleeping. I had to work a few night audit shifts last week while I was sick. I find myself staring at the television at 4:00 am. Even with satelite, television sucks 90% of the time and at 4:00 am it reeks with an overwhelming sense of neglect.
And Finally, Chomsky. You fucking piece of shit. Why the hell do you do this to me? I respect you more than you deserve. I dont agree with your politics or your theories of language, but you do this to me time and time again. You abandon me and everyone that reads your books into a depraved and hostile society. How the fuck am I suppose to cope with the understanding that Micheal Moore was only 10% correct? That America has been screwing the world and its people from the beginning? That we were never a good society, but only decorated the front lawn nicely? Fuck you, you unemotionalist bastard. You fill me with hatred towards not only my government but also the citizens who allow it to happen. God damnit, I am only human. You cannot bring forth information that your government is corrupt and so are most of the governments that have power and with such definitive detail that our nightmares of the puppet show of government become dreams we hope for. If you do not provide me with some sort of resolution or goal to strive for at the end of this book (Hegemony or Survival), I swear I will cease my relationship with you and politics altogether. I cannot change 200 years of power and money.
PS I was in a better mood.