Twenty-four years ago today.

Oh I could go on about how special and wonderful he is, but that would only inflate his already expanding ego.

I have been told I was jealous of him when my brother first came into my life.
Maybe I was, I cannot remember. I dont remember much of my life before him.
Years of playing in the woods, chasing each other in the yard, making and changing the rules of the games as we went along (and arguing over the changes). I would like to say I never meant to hurt him. At times, I have wanted to. For this I ask his forgiveness. Your older brother is not as stable emotionally as you present. I am sorry I pushed you over while you were sitting in the yellow chair in the living room. I am sorry I kicked the soccer ball under you because I didnt want you to win the race. I am sorry I yelled at you and cursed you, so many times I cannot remember them all. I am sorry I stopped playing with you because you wouldnt accept my changing rules. I am sorry I made you stop writing poetry because you thought I would become jealous of you. I am sorry you worry about my feeling when you are making decisions about your life. I am sorry you had to be the secure responsible brother while I procrastinated, leeched, and conned my way through life. I am sorry you had to eat sandwiches while dad and I ate steaks.

Realize I am proud of you and consider you one of the most important people in my life (which is a short list).

and hope I can see you fulfill your dreams.

a grateful brother

This entry was posted in main. Bookmark the permalink.

0 Responses to Twenty-four years ago today.

  1. arglor says:

    Heh good god… Ok this post throws everything our argument has laid into place. Ideas and meaning exist in the words… At least something does, or perhaps it is simply the social medium sneaking up and filling in the gaps. I honestly haven’t thought about a lot of those things for ages. I forgot how we interacted as children. We interact so differerently now. Man when you pushed me over in that chair i remember thinking, oh fuck i’ve really pissed him off now. The soccer ball issue, i don’t even remember what i was thinking. Maybe it has to do with having to go to the my second home (the emergency room for all you non-bennetts). A lot of times I did more then yell and curse at you. I remember distinctly lunging over a bed and tackeling you. All because you called me fat. What a pathetic response from me to a word, with no meaning as we have deemed in the last argument (If you can’t tell, i’m having trouble grasping that words, signs, etc have no meaning…). Ahh yes the changing of the rules midgame. I have a lot i could say on this topic, but i won’t. I did the same thing to people who i played with. It was a measure to keep myself on top i believe, and as a child that was all that mattered. About the poetry, I wasn’t good at it. It was a survival tool. I used it to get through high school and maintain my sanity. I couldn’t be with the “in-crowd” so god damnit i needed something to set myself apart, other then looking like a freak. I survived. Had i known about plato, i’d have read him instead and talked about forms and ideas allowing that to seperate me from the riff-raff. Fucking public school system. THey need to introduce more people to more things early on so they can find something they love. You didn’t exactly con your way. I’ll admit you have a method of making a teacher like you so much that you can get away with murder, but you also produce really great papers to justify the murder that came before. Mom says we ate a lot of sandwiches, and it is true. Let me let you in on a little secret. We also ate a lot of burger king. In fact that was what we mostly ate. I ate school food and mom brought hamburgers home (how about this for marketing, this was when they had that 2 whoppers for the cost of 1 whopper sale). I hate the fact that i have a portion of my life that is recognized by the food i ate. What a horrible notion. Burger king has a portion of my life now. Now for the overlapping theme of this message. I appretiate your appeal for forgiveness, and it touches me that you would feel the need for this. It was our life though, and as many things as you say up there that were bad i say there were thousands of good. There was the time i fell through the house and broke my ankle. My friend who was also ‘exploring’ the house with me vanishes and you help me into the house and put my ankle in ice. When i was in high school you gave me the option of poetry to assist me through. You approached me with the tool of my survival. You helped me make a me, before i could make it myself. You brought me to my first concert, Metallica. Yeah they suck now, but back then it was an awesome concert. Yet again you helped me define myself as something more then i was. You treated me like an equal in front of my friends which made me look “cool” whatever the fuck that means. It assisted me in making my mark on that high school. You certainly introduced me to almost every band i know, which in turn led me to meet Mary. If i had not listened to barry adamson, she might not love me today. You introduced me to Kinsella, which allowed me to craft a curriculum toward learning and not toward money. I might curse you for this later when i’m desolate and grasping my diploma in a ditch, but now i appretiate it. You taught me the joy of learning. You forced me to do great things, because i didn’t want to appear dumb in your eyes. I could continue, but i think my point has been made. I owe a lot of who i am to you. So take your request of forgiveness and destroy it. You do not need my forgiveness, because you have my appretiation and love for assisting me in becoming who i am today. God i want to go back to ozona with the forest as it was. I want to run through the forest and play “Star wars” or “Ninjas” again. I remember the snow, god it was beautiful. We re-enacted the hoth scene, as only two children can. We built that fort with the other brothers in the middle of the forest. The fort was a beautiful construction. We really didn’t do much it was mostly them. I remember the thousands of forts we built and destroyed inside our home, or was that just me? God i love building forts… Sheets covering the sky. Oh well, i’m done… thanks for bringing up the past… i love remembering all that we did, i was on the verge of forgetting it.

  2. mealymel says:

    ahhhhh… this makes the heart grow warm and fuzzy…. Now, I think you two should hug. Mel

  3. girlbean says:

    You should hardly blame yourself for the things you do as a child. And even some of the things you do as an adult. My brother and I were buddies, but we were horrible to my parents. I try to forgive my family ever day, and maybe that way I’m forgiven by someone else.