Well Ive gone and done it. I did a comestic change to the website. I would like some feedback as to the sight especially about the new navigation menu. Is it to complicated? Too hard to read?
I might never change again so get while the fire’s hot.
Wilbur
A good friend of mine, Shai, reminded me that today we should remember the Armenian Genocide. He asks that we light a candle in remembrance of the innocent civilians who were murdered in Ottoman Turkey between the years 1890 – 1915.
Here is a website which is dedicated to collecting information about the Armenian Genocide.
Its the least an ignorant American can do.
Wilbur
First off, I successfully passed my MA Comps. This means I only have to complete and defend my Thesis to finish.
Last week was pretty rough. Tuesday morning I came home from work coughing my throat sore. I took some medicine passed out woke only a few times for the next couple of days. I had wanted to finish up this semesters work, interview for a second job, and otherwise enjoy the week. At least I didnt get sick during a week I had to go to class.
The funeral was Saturday. David and I read before everyone. David had a touching description of how guilty he was before she died. I didnt stand a chance. I got up to read my piece – a poem I had written – spoke the words, “Let me first say this is not a funeral no matter what you have been led to belief. We have not asked you here to mourn. This is a celebration,” with tears streaking down my face. I doubt anyone could make out my garbled, voice cracking, high pitch, cold induced speech. As someone who likes to call himself a poet, it was one of my worst readings. I stood up on the podium sobbing as I read the poem hoping they could understand me. There was a moment I almost pull myself together. About 1/2 way through the poem, I took a deep breath looked down and saw both my parents crying. After that, I couldnt stop. Its a strange experience to stand in front of a mixed crowd of strangers, family and friends fighting yourself to stop crying, so you can finish reading.
Afterwards, everyone thanked David and me for reading. Some agreed with our words. Other told us of their memories.
That night back at my mother’s, I listened to stories and memories from all the family. Some I had never seen. I talked with Claudine (my aunt), Michelle(my cousin), and mother for as long as I could. These have become are reunions. The weddings and funerals. I think thats why my mother was so upset with not getting invited to Eric’s wedding. Its one of the few times she gets to see the family.
Most of the family didnt get to make it here this time. Mike and Yvette couldnt come because Mike was in Haiti working. Unfortunately Solemon, their son, misinterpreted the news about grandmother and thought Mike had died. He wouldnt leave Yvette’s side. Luckily Mike was able to come home Saturday evening. Elisabeth was in California, Terry was in Portland, and both couldnt afford to come. Unfortunately John is in Afghanistan as navigator in the Air Force. I miss all of them. I will have to find a way to visit them after I complete my Master’s.
So not much of a chance to celebrate, though I am going with some friends to see Kill Bill Thursday. I guess thats a celebration.
Wilbur
I remember stuttering flashes of moments which are faintly illuminated by her wit, her humor, her smile, and even her stubborness. I remember sitting in the small brightly lit kitchen with grandfather and her, eating dinner, amazed by the pride beaming out of their hearts, awkardly shelling beans on the porch while a light brown and black striped german shepard attentively demanded our lazy attention,
the darker moments when her patiently earned freedom disappeared by degrees her restricted food her theft-protected-car her vacant house her submission to the notion that your kids grow up to be people and parents and roles swapped of mother and child and learn about death two many deaths and . . .
I remember answering endless questions as she tried to maintain control over the remaining parts of her life.
I do not remember the look over her face when she was forgetting her loved ones the moments she struggled to remember my name the desparate look as a mind destroys itself
and I am thankful
because I watched her stern, hard and fast husband wittle away into a empty soft body which refused him, a man i loved though he was cold to many, i couldnt watch her go
yet i did she started packing years before only a short time of blessed breathing space she never demanded but longed for i watched each piece slip away unbearable a nightmare to me forced to return the moments she stole from the world
i never asked her about god about religion about whether she trully believed our whether she had doubts like the rest, she wouldnt talk about death directly but made snide comments which i now mimic because i realize the futility of answering questions with positives strange what I learned and what she taught which is probably not what she intended
i learned
each decision you make is a lesson you will have to learn to accept
children are a burden which some are not equipped to handle and watching them die brings the cruelest questions
honesty works better than lieing but not in the way people believe it to
we will all die grasping at each forgotten moment
life rips away at us throughout our days shredding pieces until we surrender because we lack armies to stop it
the world is lonely when your children and grandchildren demand better things than your company
and humor in the face of sadness and pain can firm your convictions to remain
i will miss her demands her opinions her desire,
but i am glad she finally surrendered before life took everything from her.
“Today my son told me
that in the meadows,
at the edge of the heavy woods
in the distance, he saw
trees of white flowers.
I feel that I would like
to go there
and fall into those flowers
and sink into the marsh near them.”
William Carlos Williams “A Widow’s Lament in Springtime”
Tomorrow I take my MA comps.
I will know positively whether I have what it takes to get my Phd or pursue anything in academic studies.
I am scared. I havent studied enough or worked hard enough the past 2 years. I could have done more. There are gaps in my mind which should be filled with knowledge.
I hope I am wise enough.
Wilbur
blahblah blahblahblah blah blahblah I blah blah blah soliloquy blah blah blah
im tired
4 days till comps
i want to be a fry cook at McDonald’s.
fuck im tired
wilbur
As I try to scramble to complete everything, I think of all the times I slept or visited with friend or watched a movie with Amanda and David or did anything which did not concern itself with my degree and realize that I will always find something to postpone the inevitable.
Less than two weeks till I take my comps. Luckily I do not have to work for those weeks. This allows me to actually catch up on sleep and work.
Scary world out there. I didnt give my future much thought until I started looking for things to occupy my time after graduation. A dear friend of mine is having trouble finding a university nice enough to accept her into the Phd program. The signifigance of her inability to secure a stable future at another university put a lot of focus on my own security. She is a straight A student who has read papers at 3 large conferences and has a focus on life, while I barely keep from getting kicked out. I dont think finding a job or a Phd program will be a snap for me.
Speaking of jobs, where in the hell do I want to spend the next few years living. Upper state New York, Colorado, Florida, New Mexico, Wyoming, Illonois, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, or god forbid Louisiana.
I disregarding the fact that my chances of acquiring these positions are close to nada.
Im plugging away on my thesis hoping to complete at least the bulk of it before the end of this month.
David and I (and hopefully Amanda) are going to New York. Im going as I stated before to read a paper at the PALA conference at NYU. David is going to fulfill a goal of his to visit New York city.
Oh well back to writing I go.
Wilbur
Well its been an interesting few days.
I was informed that April 15th I must turn in my COMPLETED thesis. *gulp* I guess I need to get off my lazy butt and finish it.
Little under 3 weeks till comps arrive to welcome my uneducated self to disappointment. I am dreading those tests. As much as I hope it will be a small vindication that I havent wasted my time, I have been having daymares of failing completely in such a way that the faculty will refer to my exam as an example to future students as how not to waste your time at the university. I need to study some more.
I have two incompletes that are due by April 2nd. I have my MA comps due by March 24th. I have to turn in the COMPLETED thesis by April 14th. (luckily I work well under pressure, sometimes its the only time I work, hehe)
I have to rewrite a paper for the PALA conference in New York.
Oh did I mention, my abstract on William Carlos Williams poem “The Yachts” was accepted for the Poetic and Linguistics Associations annual conference, which will be held in New York.
I sit here thinking about how in the hell could one of my abstracts be accepted. Then, I realize that I have to completely rewrite the freakin paper before I present it. At which moment, my back stiffens, skin prickles, and hands numb. I sense impending doom.
I have been accepted to read my paper in front of a large amount of peers, which . . . scares the shit out of me.
Oh well till I find time to write to everyone again . . . goodbye.
Wilbur
I went ahead and did it. Took one of the first steps to becoming more than a graduate student. Now my mind races in anticipation about how in the hell I will procure the funds to finance the trip.
What did I do that is so damn important?
Sent off my first abstract to a conference in Linguistics. The PALA conference in New York, NY, which sounds great on paper.
I should hear back on whether its accepted by early next week.
SO now I just sit here waiting patiently . . . .
Ok maybe not waiting or holding breath, but anticipating none the less.
Unfortunate side effect to this year is the renewal of my desire to write poetry. Unfortunate because I have no time to pursue my desire to write poetry, yet I am writing poetry anyway. When will Wilbur ever learn about priorities.
On the Thesis and Comps note, I am taking comps on March 24th. I am also suppose to finish my thesis by April 4th I believe. Both seem impossible at this moment. I want to rewind time to before I was a graduate student thinking about becoming a graduate student and slap the shit out of myself.
What the hell was I thinking? I do not have the willpower to complete this. I never did. Oh well guess we will see how they deal with a pathetic loser who cant complete a MA degree.
In other news, I am planning, allbeit tentatively, to teach English in Japan or another Asian country(or Germany if I can get my speaking ability in German up to snuff). I will provide more information on this little pipe dream as the semester progresses. If anyone has any suggestions, be sure to send an email or leave a comment.
Well Im going to work. I hate work. I hate not being able to focus all my time on school. I plan to quit this fucking job (Night Audit) at the first conceivable, opportune moment.
Nice to talk to everyone, let’s do this again soon.
Wilbur
PS: A friend of mine in the graduate program of Liberal Arts: English (I just love saying the Liberal Arts part) also has a blog if anyone is interested. Pretty interesting stuff and she is more faithful in updating. (http://girlbean.blogspot.com/)
I appologize to everyone for not updating this website in a timely fashion. I have been inundated with deadlines and exams.
I am completing my final semester of the MA program. I have to complete a thesis(roughly 100 pages) and pass my Comprehensive exams. If I can successfully complete these tricky transactions, I will be ordained MA of English. not half bad for a white boy.
thanks for the patience
Wilbur
