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First off I think the idea of making a New Year’s resolution is absurd. The declaration that we only wait till the beginning of a year to look at our lives, try to come up with 3-4 areas we could be doing better, make empty promises to ourselves, and tell our loved ones these promises in hopes they will adore us more lacks conviction. I dont need a holiday to bring to light my mistakes and errors and give myself a chance to redeem myself amoung my friends and family. They already know my faults and have decided (for better or worse) that they can live with them as long as I strive to be a decent person where they are concerned, or at least I hope they have. I make empty promises to my family and friends and myself time and time again.
The holiday season already comes to me with a duality of sadness and happiness. I always reflect not only on the happy times I have had throughout my life, but on all the mistakes I have made concerning people I love, including myself. I remember friends that I have forgotten, who wanted nothing more than a letter or note from me and a sharing of lives as we grew older. I should stop myself from telling people to keep in touch. This empty promise I make hurts during these darker months. The Chinese have a saying that more night equates to more dreams. Did they forget dreams include nightmares?
I convinced myself years ago to start having dreams again. I had some how stopped dreaming or at least remembering them. I remember telling myself to dream no matter the consequences. Years of night terrors and waking in a sweat have almost convinced me to ignore my dreams. Should I convince myself that the good dreams hurt also?
I hate having good dreams about old friends I have forgotten. I realize that my influence on most of the people I meet is minimum, but it is still hard to reflect on the people I have betrayed and abandoned.
Needless to say, I am having a hard time sleeping. I had to work a few night audit shifts last week while I was sick. I find myself staring at the television at 4:00 am. Even with satelite, television sucks 90% of the time and at 4:00 am it reeks with an overwhelming sense of neglect.
And Finally, Chomsky. You fucking piece of shit. Why the hell do you do this to me? I respect you more than you deserve. I dont agree with your politics or your theories of language, but you do this to me time and time again. You abandon me and everyone that reads your books into a depraved and hostile society. How the fuck am I suppose to cope with the understanding that Micheal Moore was only 10% correct? That America has been screwing the world and its people from the beginning? That we were never a good society, but only decorated the front lawn nicely? Fuck you, you unemotionalist bastard. You fill me with hatred towards not only my government but also the citizens who allow it to happen. God damnit, I am only human. You cannot bring forth information that your government is corrupt and so are most of the governments that have power and with such definitive detail that our nightmares of the puppet show of government become dreams we hope for. If you do not provide me with some sort of resolution or goal to strive for at the end of this book (Hegemony or Survival), I swear I will cease my relationship with you and politics altogether. I cannot change 200 years of power and money.

Wilbur
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I hope everyone is safe this holiday season. hope everyone is warm. hope everyone feels love.

Wilbur

I have spent a decade learning
I hope to spend a few more enjoying her

She once told me she could not allow herself to stay
past fortythree then settled on fifty-one,
but I hope she changes her mind.
if she only gives me two more
then I will try to enjoy myself

but I will miss her laugh and her cynical looks

Wilbur

Leo Tolstoy
Franz Kafka
James Joyce
Zora Neale Hurston
Charles Olson
Virginia Woolf
Sylvia Plath

Noam Chomsky
Micheal P Oakes
Mark Turner

Take the above list of ten authors.
Remove all the ones which you do not own, and replace them with ones you do.
Separate the Ones you do from the Original List.

(seemed fun at the time)

Wilbur

Amanda is smarter than me.
GRE

Quantitative – 520
Verbal – 650
Essay – waiting

Wilbur
GRE

Quantitative – 520
Verbal – 520
Analytical – 670

Proof that Amand is smarter than me. Even after being out of school for 8 years, she scored higher than me.

hehe, we started looking at graduate schools for Library and Information Science. The admission policies all state she had to get over a 1000, some only 850, but here is the catch, she only needs to score above 1000 if she had not maintained a 3.0 in her last two years of school. She held at least a 3.6 through her undergraduate courses, so she has exceeded the qualifications. All this from a woman who thought she was ignorant. Blasphemy.

Now I have to make sure she doesnt get a big head about it.

Wilbur

Amanda is taking the GRE tomorrow at 8:30am. She is worried sick. Even made me make multiplication flash cards. Funny thing is I quizzed her after I made them and she nailed them. (Dont tell her, but she underestimates her intelligence.)

So we are making a small weekend of it. I will grade papers while she panics and draws a blank in the testing room. Tonight we are going to enjoy ourselves and I will not let her think about the test. No need stressing over it tonight.

I am nearly finished grading the exams and final papers. My god I will have to come up with a more interesting topic next time. “How does one become successful? Define success and give three causes.” Overgeneralized essays about achieving one’s goals. Its kind of pathetic. I havent gotten to the break away paper, yet. You know the one teachers. The one that completely goes against the rules. The one that wakes you up at 3 in the morning as you were sleeping through the grading process. hehe

I miss the excitement and the care. Students can only care so much about composition. (well I hope I am wrong. Next semester I am completely going against my grammar first rules and mixing it up. hehe)

Have fun everyone, hope the grading is not too strenous. Oh and there is no way in hell I am teaching 4 classes next semester.

Wilbur
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I love the end of the semester. It is a time to reflect on the knowledge that my students have gained new insights into English and have mastered the language and art of writing. Or its just another example that some of my students dont really try.

Lets take a look at one of my students, whom I had such good hopes for.

“Showing the similarities and differences should be known by students when dealing with high school and college because high school students must know the differences and similarities between high school and college to prepare themselves for what is to come in life if these students want to become successful. Education is important when dealing with life. The similarities and differences of education in high school and college could result to being very different and very similar. Attendance is a big key to having great success in life. In high school and college the comparisons and differences will show how important attendance can be in these educational stages. Cost in high school and college does not hold great similarities, but the differences are great. Education, attendance, and cost have many similarities and differences in high school and college.”
whew.
my god. I asked the student how could this happen. His answer was “something went wrong with the computer.” This leads me to ponder. Hmm I am a linguist, sort of. I know computers, more than sort of. Clai and I have discussed this question often. Could we create a program that mimicked language?
With examples like the one above, I am pretty sure we could. I mean seriously. How many times can one repeat differences and similarities?

So then a wonderful idea came to mind. Let get rid of the students. Teachers can ask a program for 25-50 papers of varying lengths and of varying quality where they will grade them for a paycheck. It seems perfect to me. Cut out the middle man.

just something I was pondering while I read more of the adventures of similarities and differences between two uniquely similar and different things.

they will be reading plato next time.

Wilbur

Oh I could go on about how special and wonderful he is, but that would only inflate his already expanding ego.

I have been told I was jealous of him when my brother first came into my life.
Maybe I was, I cannot remember. I dont remember much of my life before him.
Years of playing in the woods, chasing each other in the yard, making and changing the rules of the games as we went along (and arguing over the changes). I would like to say I never meant to hurt him. At times, I have wanted to. For this I ask his forgiveness. Your older brother is not as stable emotionally as you present. I am sorry I pushed you over while you were sitting in the yellow chair in the living room. I am sorry I kicked the soccer ball under you because I didnt want you to win the race. I am sorry I yelled at you and cursed you, so many times I cannot remember them all. I am sorry I stopped playing with you because you wouldnt accept my changing rules. I am sorry I made you stop writing poetry because you thought I would become jealous of you. I am sorry you worry about my feeling when you are making decisions about your life. I am sorry you had to be the secure responsible brother while I procrastinated, leeched, and conned my way through life. I am sorry you had to eat sandwiches while dad and I ate steaks.

Realize I am proud of you and consider you one of the most important people in my life (which is a short list).

and hope I can see you fulfill your dreams.

Wilbur
a grateful brother

two weeks left of school . . .
another semester down the drain
empty bottles littered with promises
memories hide behind holiday facades
every year more become lost
i enjoyed the cold in my youth
bitter brittle against my red nose
cutting wind through jean jacket
now it lets me remember
i despise this time of year

48% of America has been seriously contemplating the future.
– What the hell happened?
– What is my responsibility as a motivated individual?
– How can we as intelligent and rational individuals take back control of America?
– Should we try?
– What is up with the Democratic party?
– Why are rural voters voting alongside CEO’s?
– When did war become an afterthought?
– WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?

These are not only personal questions but questions America should be asking itself. However, I am not the one to start conseling America on its inability to socialize with others. I do, however, need to have a serious discussion with myself (and immediate loved ones).

Activism, Escape, or Apathy?

I see only three courses of action in regards to the current information about the sanity of America and its inhabitants.

Activism – dive into politics headfirst. get involved with or create a political party motivated with changing the minds of rural America. sacrafice career goals and desires to fight for the greater good of America.
Pros
– get to meet interesting people
– have focus and new life goals
– strive to make meaningful changes to the voting system and elections
–
Cons
– long road ahead
– loved ones may not remain loved ones
– may be threathened and punished for beliefs by government and extremist
– sacrafice desires to study Linguistics and complete Phd, travel, teach
– will be an extremist
– chance of losing everything

Escape – escape, run away to some america hating culture and try to blend in, give up, realize that america is in decline and find a new country to belong to, escape from the barbarians
Pros
– explore new countries and cultures
– expand my horizons and become a world travel
– grass is always greener syndrome
– have moved away from likely target of further conflict and unrest
– learn a new language or many
– stop being a fat american and become a healthy -insert nationality here-
Cons
– poverty
– lonliness, since most of loved ones will probably not come with me (Amanda may though)
– american hating cultures tend to ignore that you ran away from america because you didnt agree with america
– loss of citizenship

Apathy – or the faking thereof, hiding my true feelings beneath a veil of love and devout patriotism
Pros
– can continue to pursue goals
– like and maybe even admired by “heathens”
– easy access to american culture (doubtful if pro)
– not poor (or at least not wearing a loin clothe poor)
– family nearby
Cons
– not outlet for animosity
– have to attend church to keep up forcade
– feel with hatred until I snapped and slaughter many of the “sheep”
– resentment towards myself and others around me

so here are some of the thoughts running through my head.
as I help Amanda study for the GRE, grade papers, checkin people . . .

It is nearing time for a decision. Hopefully I can stall for a little while longer.

Wilbur