June 26, 2005

so this is what happens…

Filed under: Entries — arglor @ 7:21 pm

boy am i bored… i have extinguished all my resources.

Little known fact, i’m broke. You might ask yourself, how does one get broke when you just got a job a couple weeks ago that pays pretty good money. I would of course reply that I did get a job that pays me pretty well, but i have yet to get a check from said job. Not that getting a check would have done outstandingly for, i have no bank up here in which i could deposit said check. oh.. you ask why have i not gotten my bank account open? because you need identification from within the state… which costs money… which i have yet had the ability to get… because … you see the picture… things are looking better though.

This weekend was going to be low key no matter what. Today just turned out to be a lot more low key then i wanted. AKA i’ve been seriously bored. Friday night i went into Manhattan and watched Batman Begins, a movie about which i will discuss at a later date. Last night my co-worker and friend David came over. We rented some games and played them. We watched a movie called Hitch, about which i’ll never speak a word- although will smith is my favorite funny comedian for some odd reason, maybe because his jokes are usually withdrawn. Anyways i went to sleep around 1:00 from which i woke up this morning at 8:30. David slept over because he didn’t want to have to hassel with the trains at night. He left around 10:00. And then the silence began.

I laid down and thought a lot about different things, in which none of my problems were solved but one. I realized i have far less problems then ever and i think it bores me. Literally… i have stable source of food, stable income, a very beautiful and talented woman i am deeply in love with, a place to stay in, and family that loves and cares for me. This is the most i’ve ever had in a long time. the stable income, food, and love intrest are relatively new. The other necessities have been with me all my life usually.

Let us harken back to my high school days. There was once in the middle of the cafeteria i was talking to my friends Reed and Colby about life. I was so sure of myself then. In the middle of a heated debate i yelled across the cafeteria grounds that the failure in life is complacency, it deteriorates the mind. To my dismay, i attracted way to much attention. I blushed and retracted myself out of the cafeteria and scurried down the hall to my locker where i opened it up cursing myself. You see i’m leaving out the part where people laughed. A lot of people. Embarrasement brought about by confusion. I still agree with what i said, but i’m not sure why i got so caught up in the argument. We were arguing about our futures, and it was at that time that i was arguing that we should abandon all attempts at progress and travel across the country and live out of booksacks…..

i had just read on the road btw. not the best source material on life for a 17 year old who hates his high school. He made it seem so easy and adventurous. All the same. I have strayed from my point, as usual. My point is that i feel like i should be on the look out for becoming complacent. I don’t want to succomb to the robotic instincts capitalist society forces upon us. I am so using prejudicial language in this, i understand that robotic insticts are adopted because it is better to adopt them then to live consciously moment by moment.

No one lives consciously moment by moment. Its impossible. an experiment that was started when i was a second year college student continues till now, it is the experiment of consciousness. I attempt to trip up the robotic instincts around me and in the meanwhile trip up my own robotic instincts. My goal is to become as self-aware as possible, or at least to fully be aware of life around me as much as possible.

i guess this is why i like american beauty so much.

i’m done rambling… btw i think snaar’s blog should be called breaking the third wall…

One Response to “so this is what happens…”

  1. stryxdomina Says:

    Steady job, stable source of food, love interest, not to mention a tolerable roof over your head. Beware. You are indeed in danger from the seduction of security. It is insidious. I remember you described your experiment to me but I don’t remeber specifics. What do you do to try to remain aware and not just robotic. You would think with all my personal and professional changes, this would not be such an issue with me. But as the saying goes, “no matter where you go, there you are” My laziness and self absorbtion are my greatest enemies.