I’m stuck in a trade-off. I really don’t like a lot of things about my job, and as long as I ignore those things, then i’m a much happier person. It is difficult to ignore those things for me, but unfortunatly it is getting easier. This concerns me as it should concern everyone. I want to quit, but god damnit, whats next? Where can I go? What possibly could i do that would not feel trapped.

I keep thinking about law school but then it strikes me that not only would i be incredibly far into debt, but i’d also not like my job when i get out. Unless i was a public defender/prosecuter. Which just so happens to be difficult jobs to obtain. (all state jobs are difficult to get.)

So i’m stuck in the same rutt as before. Failing to go in any direction due to fears, concerns, and just plain indecision. What the fuck is one to do at this juncture in one’s life? I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know.

But,

Tomorrow i’m going to see a trial. This excites me.

Let me describe it this way.

Imagine robot wars, an old tv show. As time progresses, people (lawyers, paralegals, legal secretaries, and even file room guys and copy guys) spend all their effort in building a robot (argument structure or proposed solution to a legal dispute) for several weeks, months, and mostly years. Then there is this big competetion (trial) in which the robot drivers (lawyers) get into their booths and begin working their controllers (rhetorical styles, logical analyses, and ultimately personal charisma) as their robots (cases) bash each other to bits. (the cases are heard by a third party and hopefully synthesized as a whole and the most persuasive [not necessiarily the most accurate] case wins.) Everyone knows that the flipper (slight variations on the truth) always wins, when it is cuppled with a smasher. (rhetorical style). Whereas the flipper (variations on truth) never survives solo, but nor does the smasher (rhetorical style, think sleazy lawyer).
So my belief is that law, is the culmination of planning, preparing, and strategizing until one day, trial day, in which the rules are put to work and the structure (case, logical argument) either survives or fails by the vote of the jury.

And i get to see this. I also get to see if my work is accepted. We represent a certain pharmaceutical company who is being sued by a woman who allegedly slipped and fell on products improperly stored. Of course the video footage shows a perfectly clean isle, and she also happens to have severe problems that were begining to lead to what she is claiming is our fault.

So i’m going to trial, just as a member of the audience.

P.S. if Schnaars is reading this, sorry i haven’t called you back. I’m in a bit of a strange mood right now, and i have had very little time to do much of anything.

P.S.S. My dad recently had a birthday, and i unfortunatly missed it. I’m such a horrible son. If he is reading this, I love you dad and hope that you can forgive my lack of foresight and memory.  I’m proud to have you as a father, and hope that you live for many many years to come.