I’m so freaking tired. Walking with crutches is the most grueling thing i’ve done in a while. My body has responded to the extreme walking by taking shape. It didn’t take nearly as long as i thought it would. My arms alone…. ok i know you don’t give a rats ass, well nor do i to tell you the truth. Except one minor thing. Mary likes and will love it in a week.

So i’m thinking i may try and keep it up after wards. Not walking on crutches, but working out.

Work sucks. 65% of my job requires file work, which in turn requires leg and hand work, which in turn is obstructed by crutch work. I’m forced to appeal to my friends and colleagues for their assistance, which they offer cheerfully. Weatherly in particular. She is more then happy to assist me in my work.

Nevertheless i feel guilty. As soon as i’m walking without the crutches, i’m going to be so very pleased. oh so very pleased.

SO one paralegal resigns, and another is fired. Strange eh? I guess. High turn around and all that. I don’t really see why, the people i work for are nice enough and the work is ok. It has to be the pay.

Ok i’m wiped out. GOODNIGHT WORLD! see you tomorrow… i’ll be the limping rat.

I can believe how attached to my computer I’ve gotten. I must have been born with a keyboard and mouse attached to my hands. How does one get so attached?

It isn’t the computer itself i’m attached to, but the internet.

Here is the brief story of my past week of hell.

Monday i go to the doctor for my pre-operative appointment. All goes well, but i begin to get a bit nervous about the whole ordeal. I go into work after taking a half of a day and tie up loose ends. I leave roughly 6:45. I was a bit disappointed with that little tid-bit, but i didn’t want anything important not necessarily done before leaving. So all is as clean as it will be, i still have things that could be done (like attempting to trace down addresses that are outdated of establishments) but yet again nothing relevant.

Tuesday I go to the surgery early. Cab is not here five minutes after 6:00 (which was it’s scheduled time of arrival). I call doctor’s office and is forwarded to an answering center which has no clue what cab service the doctor uses. They can’t assist, they suggest waiting till thirty minutes before my surgery is scheduled to begin and call her back and she will inform the surgeon. Meanwhile for twenty four minutes, I have two dominant fears. First, that the surgery is postponed and I will need to find another way to take time off. Second, that they surgery goes on, at a later time and the doctor “rushes” through the procedure.

6:30 and I call the doctor’s office again. “The car service isn’t here yet, could you call the doctor and find…” Car goes screaming by our street slams on the brakes and “slips it into” reverse. “I think the service just got here.” She actually makes the car hit 45 on our little dead end street before making it hit 0 again in front of our house. I get in quickly pissed off. She backs out and takes off. Speeding. We get to Surgicare 5 minutes before surgery is supposed to occur. I’m sick to my stomach about to vomit, but I haven’t really eaten anything (as dictated) so I’m forced to realize all that would be released is acid. I go to the desk and find out that with all my  concern regarding the outcome of the surgery,  I neglected to fill out the required paperwork before coming the surgical center. So Mary assists in filling out most of the work while I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face.

A phrase being repeated over and over in my head, a mantra if you will. “This is a necessary evil, we must destroy something to make it better…..” You see a shot is a necessary evil because is circumvents negative possible occurrences. This, is the same.  Of course this doesn’t help me mentally face the fact that I’m about to have a knife slice my leg open. Sure sure, I know I won’t die, but I just don’t want to be invalid also. Bed ridden if you will. permanently crippled because of a “miscalculation”. Irrational, but poignant fears.

So I get pulled into the back of the hospital and sat in a small room. A woman, profession: pre-operative nurse, is questioning me regarding the surgery. An IV needle pieces my arm, and a middle-aged man, profession: surgical assistant, asks me which leg we are operating on. “Left leg I say.” he nods. “I’m going to the nursing assistant in charge of the surgery” My doctor comes out and we talk about the procedure, he introduces me to the “partner” for the practice.

Newsflash: apparently the partner/associate business structure exists outside the legal profession. I was not aware of this myself. SO my doctor will be assisting the partner in the operation.  The partner will be performing the operation. For as much research as I do in other people’s medical files, you’d think I’d have asked that question.

So the surgeons vanish and the nurse’s assistant comes back and looks at some paperwork. An older man roughly 60ish, profession: the anesthesiologist, walks up to me and asks me which foot is going to be operated on, I say “left”. He asks if I’ve ever been put out. I say yes. I told him about the time I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I was told they had to introduce a lot more anesthetic into my body due to my “resistance”. He informs me that that shouldn’t be the case here. I smiles slightly. I inform him that I’d like to ask him a few questions after the operation if possible. He says that patients usually do. Like a rabbit in a forest he vanishes, and the tress begin to crowd around me. Nurses going left and right. Did I mention there are four patients in this room? I nervously stop a nurse who is fiddling with my iv and ask her, “we aren’t having the surgery out here right? I mean there is hardly any room.” she smiles, “of course not, there is an operating table in the back. We will have you walk back there when it is time.”

The male surgical assistant comes by again, and asks me again which foot will be operated on, and I say “left”. He stops looking at some papers and says “Left?” As though I’m misleading him. As though at this moment the most pressing point of information in my mind is that I should incorrectly inform him of the leg in which my operation occurs. Something clicks in my head.

Genetics and personal growth is thrown out the window. My environmental tutelage begins churning. Rationality is ignored and a diatribe begins in my head. A discourse behind all the reasons why this individual shouldn’t be in the position he is in. I’m summing the young man up. His age, race, potential failures in education, probable inbred heritage, religious slurs, political summations, and then I notice he is gone. I was careful though to watch his body language when I choose to clearly and concisely detail why I knew it was my left and not my right leg. He didn’t smile he hinted at no possible enjoyment regarding this misdirection. In short, I saw no evidence it was a joke on his own part. I could only hope.

And then a young nurse comes in grabs my IV and tells me we are going to surgery. I smile and stand up thinking a thousand different things. I lay down on what appears to be the kind of table they strap inmates down and inject lethal doses of … I watch as my arms are strapped down out on my sides in prisoner form, but in the Christ position. I smile thinking about how Mary teased me in the beginning of our relationship by calling me Jesus. I chide with myself about how strong the “need” for a god can be. I ignore him as he tightens the straps on my arms and I ignore how rough he is with my IV. He rips tape off like a war surgeon. I think he may have been trained in war. I ignore how he appears to be fighting the IV itself as he jabs the needle deep and the anesthesia begins pulsing in. Old fart I think. I don’t feel anything. It takes time I think. I turn to the anesthesiologists and say “when I wake up, can you remind me that I still didn’t believe in god up until the end?”.. I don’t register a response, but it is a good thing he already measured the anesthesia out… And as far as I can tell I look down and see the surgical assistant shaving my foot. My head hits the back of the table roughly. Didn’t Christ have someone wash his foot? Static and then black. It would be nice to say that that was my last thought before the dark. But there were more thoughts, purely inconsequential and largely broken. Some were random. I know I thought about bikes for some reason.  I thought a lot of riding my bike. I remember thinking of mosquitoes. No idea where that came from.

I woke up later and at the first thought of consciousness I begin asking questions. the Anesthesiologist is talking me awake and then he vanishes. I realize now he failed in my personal request. The nurse begins escorting me out. I am asking everyone questions. How long was I out? How did it go? How was I as a patient? did it take longer then normal to knock me out?  The nurse turned and said this, “You talked a lot while you were out. Asked a lot of questions. I was concerned but the doctors weren’t. Want something to drink? ” and that was the last I saw of the surgical team before I met Mary and left the Surgicare center.

What the hell did she mean I asked a lot of questions? What were they? she didn’t tell me. I asked the doctor last Saturday, and he couldn’t remember exactly, which I’m very pleased to hear. He had more important things to do then pay attention to my rambling. WHAT THE HELL DID I ASK!? what did I talk about. Why didn’t she tell me more? was it a stock statement? Give someone fear that they have a demon spawned inquisitioner inside them that is only let out when the consciousness is stripped out?

No idea. Ok Mary went to sleep. I have more of my week to tell you. That was the most interesting part though.

I wish it were true, but the surgery went through this morning and now i’m sitting here with my leg in a “surgical boot” and a hope and a prayer as to how i’m going to get through with sitting around in the house doing “nothing”.

And so i blog…Â Good afternoon friends.

My parents came and went, had a wonderful time with them. They saw the city, we had a nice dinner with a view of the fireworks right next to lady liberty herself. It was a great night.

I have to go now i’m tired. and want to lay down.. or at least try to. this surgical boot IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

Ok so let us view the festivities that are planned out for the weeks ahead.

Next weekend Mary is having a friend over, she and Mary will be spending a lot of time together catching up etc.

The wednesday after that my mom and dad will be joining us for a stay. I’m really excited about this, because they will be up here during the 4th of July. New York does a really good show for the fourth of July, so i hope they enjoy seeing it. Not to mention i have the third and fourth of July off of work so we can explore the city that saturday, sunday, monday and tuesday.

But then the very next week i go into surgery on left leg. This will leave me hobbling around on crutches. Work told me that if my doctor won’t let me come into work, then i can’t come into work. (liability and all that). So i’m off my feet for a week, then i go back.

So it sounds like a lot. I hope all goes well with you.

Happy be-lated Father’s day Snaars.

The LSAT is over. How did I do?  I completed it. That is all i can say. I think i did really good on the writing sample. They asked me to evaluate an argument, and i did so with gusto and clear and concise analytical skills. I evaluated the positives and the negatives inherint in his position.

not sure about everything else. I know I got a lot of questions right, but did i get the score i need? no one knows yet… the three-four week waiting session commences.

It is a sad day across the land, as another noble soldier joins the ranks of the lost.

I’m not exactly sure when we got Sir Fredrick, i think i was 12 or 13. Sir Frederick was a noble german schnauzer.

Oh well. I would recount memories, but a friend once told me that the worst story to tell is the story that begins with the phrase “i remember” and includes none of the audience within the tale.

So take this moment of silence into heart and count yourselves lucky to know the young pup, old fart, and always the energetic misfit.

hmmm what do you think (more…)

I hope it wasn’t the content. Because i’m coming at you again with dark disconcerting news. This time i’m going to focus on one issue at hand. This is our nations idea that speaking against the government is a “bad” thing. We have seen a growing progression toward the limitation of negative statements regarding our government as a whole, which interestingly enough has not spurned much response from our fellow citizens. Perhaps i’m wrong, perhaps the response is there just muted by our government. I will not judge… yet.

Exhibit A:
The first ruling i disagree with issued by the new supreme court.

Exhibit B:
Here is the actual opinions.

My personal favorite is the dissenting opinions drafted by Justice Stevens. My favorite line is this:

The notion that there is a categorical difference between speaking as a citizen and speaking in the course of one’s employment is quite wrong.

He is responding of course to this quote:

When a citizen enters government service, the citizen by necessity must accept certain limitations on his or her freedom. See, e.g., Waters v. Churchill, 511 U. S. 661, 671 (1994) (plurality opinion) (“[T]he government as employer indeed has far broader powers than does the government as sovereign”). Government employers, like private employers, need a significant degree of control over their employees’ words and actions; without it, there would be little chance for the efficient provision of public services. Cf. Connick, supra, at 143 (“[G]overnment offices could not function if every employment decision became a constitutional matter”). Public employees, moreover, often occupy trusted positions in society. When they speak out, they can express views that contravene governmental policies or impair the proper performance of governmental functions.

It expresses a notion by the assenting opinion regarding the fact that an individual can act in a sort of dualist notion, at one point the individual may act as a citizen of the state, and at another point he may act as an employee of the state that allows for a restriction to the rights granted by the consitution, i.e. freedom of speech.

My biggest concern regarding this whole excersise is a concern for the academic world. It is largely a part of the public government, and so one would hope they would still be afforded the rights granted previously.

Exhibit C:
When confronted regarding this issue:

Second, Justice Souter suggests today’s decision may have important ramifications for academic freedom, at least as a constitutional value. See post, at 12-13. There is some argument that expression related to academic scholarship or classroom instruction implicates additional constitutional interests that are not fully accounted for by this Court’s customary employee-speech jurisprudence. We need not, and for that reason do not, decide whether the analysis we conduct today would apply in the same manner to a case involving speech related to scholarship or teaching.

No real answer seems forthcoming, but worry not they have a whole set of old fart’s lifetimes to go before they run out of time for considering this idea.

Oh woe is me, now that big brother has come home.

I know, i promised more frequent updates, and if there is anyone paying attention to this little voice in the middle of cyber space, it can offer no explanation for the drought in publishing.

I will call it writer’s block, and move on.

I actually have something to write about now. Three news peices struck my interest over the course of the past days.

The first is a news piece about abortion, here is a quote:

‘Every rational person, no matter what his or her stance on the rights of the unborn child, has to agree that the ideal for any woman and the health of any nation is fewer, or better still no, abortions,’ a spokeswoman said.

She is absolutly correct, but she is also blind to the full context of the picture. Not to mention she is being horribly generalistic in her approach to summing up “rational people.” I love the idea that in her mind the abortions are the problem, and not large amount of unwanted pregnancies.

Humanity always surprieses me sometimes. I’m just wondering why. I usually don’t track personal activities of insanity like this, I like to believe that individuals can do strange things and the media often disseminates too many images of humanity doing the most odd things in the world. BUT this story struck me, because it just begs the question why. He seems successful, family and kids. Why kill the kids? Maybe they should have had the abortion pill available for him during her pregnancy?

Speaking of insufferable acts, you see one of the main reasons i’m struck with an urge to write is because of the news recently. God hates Bush, but it isn’t for the the deaths of an immense amount of individduals (website accuracte not yet determined), the destruction of America’s image to the world at large, sinking America farther into debt, or even the destruction of any barrier between church and state. No it is because America is showing good will toward homosexuals.

And so i leave you, with this in mind. No matter how much our society comits self-destruction, Modern science never ceases to surprise this little (perhaps i’m considered large) man from louisiana. Perhaps I could be a superhero now.